The Wonderful World of Zombies

I was having a lively debate with fellow movie fan Tony Nunez over what constitutes a zombie. Many people have loose requirements as to what constitutes a Zed Head, thus there are several kinds that have come about. Some of you may not like my definition, but here goes...

To me, zombies are people who have died, regardless of how, and have re-animated as brainless automatons. These are classic "Romero" zombies. They cannot reason, think, make any kind of judgment. They shuffle slowly due to the fact that they have rigor mortis, broken limbs, torn muscles. They see or hear something that get their attention and head that direction, regardless if the ground gives out and there is a 1000 foot drop. A zombie will see you standing on a roof and walk up to and claw at the wall, but that's it. They will not have the idea to smash the window, walk up the stairs, find the emergency exit that can take them to the roof to get you. If one does, it's by coincidence. That said, lets look at some true zombie movies and stories and some mis-labeled zombie examples. Please note that just because I say they aren't strictly by-the-book zombies that they aren't good. Some of my absolute faves are your unorthodox versions...

28 DAYS LATER

One of my favorite horror movies, 28 Days Later is one of the mis-labeled ones. The "zombies" on here have not died, they were infected with a rage virus. It is instantaneous, you get infected, go crazy and attack and spread the virus. Thus, they are the "fast" zombies since they can run (due to the fact that they are not dead and do not have rigor mortis and are not falling apart). These creatures have red eyes, caused by the virus, rather than the clouded over cataracts of a dead pupil. Their blood is still red since it is still pumped and full of oxygen.

THE DEAD SERIES OF GEORGE ROMERO

The early films of the series are basically the blueprint of zombies. Later movies that had the zombie "learn how to communicate, use weapons, etc, went way off the track as to what they truly are. In a purely scientific view, these creatures would not survive long enough to "evolve and adapt", due to the fact that after several days, the rigor mortis would be so severe they would be motionless, not to mention that decomposition would destroy all connective tissue that there would be to muscles to move the limbs.

WORLD WAR Z

Possibly the greatest zombie book ever written. It follows the classic Zed rules while deviating ever so slightly. Slow and shambling, check. Mindless wandering, check. Strength in numbers/easy to avoid individually, check. Classic zombie moment: The Zs falling off a cliff like a great river simply because they saw someone on the other side and mindlessly tried to get to him. The only deviation is the life-span of the creatures. According to the book, if you place them in a room and came back 13 years later, they would still be there when you came back. Other than this small detail, to me, it is THE definitive what-if story. It has been announced that the movie rights have been picked up by Brad Pitt's production company, and he will be put himself in the STARRING ROLE OF A STORY THAT HAS NO CENTRAL STAR. But that's a rant for another episode. Here is some concept art for the movie, due in 2012.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD

A classic Z movie, especially as a comedy. Slow moving, unthinking (except the step dad, turning off the car stereo when he was a zombie, but that was a great comedy bit), cloudy eyes, moaning. Perfect homage to the genre, even taking a jab at 28 Days Later near the end.

THE WALKING DEAD

Excellent graphic novel, focusing on the characters trying to survive rather than making the zombies the center of the story. The Zeds are pretty spot on classic. About to become an AMC series. Can't wait to check it out.

ZOMBIELAND

Fast zombie class. The Z's were hilarious and backseat to the characters stories.

FIDO

A silly story set in an idyllic time where Zs have been tamed and domesticated with the use of a collar. Almost all rules go out the window. Fido almost has emotions and morality...that is until the collar malfunctions. A great movie to have some zombie fun!

Now, if you look at the rules, some rather funny situations come up. Tony and I were debating these back and forth.

1. Frankenstein - yes, he came back to life, but not from an individual. He was built from many and artificially brought back to life, plus he was later able to think and reason.
2. Pinnochio - yes, he came to life as a real boy, but was he really "alive" or "dead" before?
3. Jesus - he "rose" from the dead, but instead of going for brains, he rose to heaven. Who knows, if he hadn't, would he have caused the first zombie apocalypse?

What say you? Other examples of zombie classification?